{"id":227,"date":"2005-07-03T22:16:52","date_gmt":"2005-07-03T22:16:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.levinger.net\/cualguerra\/?p=227"},"modified":"2005-07-03T22:16:52","modified_gmt":"2005-07-03T22:16:52","slug":"carloss-widow","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.levinger.net\/cualguerra\/carloss-widow\/","title":{"rendered":"Carlos’s widow"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\"\"<\/a>Carlos was thirty when he disappeared, I was twenty-eight. I had the four kids, one son was six years old, my daughter was four, the other one was two, and I had just had the baby.When the kids asked me questions I told them we couldn\u2019t go with Dad.When they were very young I told them that. But, when they were a little older, I told them their dad wasn\u2019t here, that we didn\u2019t know what happened to him, that maybe he died. And if he died, we have to behave very well to go with him someday.The one who suffered and knew his dad well was our oldest son.<\/p>\n

Carlos would take the oldest boy to his job with him. He said, “I\u2019ll buy him toys and he\u2019ll be with me.” And it happened like that many times. And so he felt his dad\u2019s absence and now he says he remembers him, but his memories are vague. The others don\u2019t remember him at all.<\/p>\n

And one day, since I was going crazy, I said I would go and look for him because he\u2019s not dead. Maybe I was weak or sick, and I started walking with the idea that I\u2019d find him. My mother-in-law followed me and asked me where I was going. I told her to the store, but it was 5:00 in the morning. So she told me that nothing was open.Then I went to the doctor and he said that if I couldn\u2019t accept what had happened, I would go crazy and there were already many at the asylum.<\/p>\n

I got frightened because I had my kids, I had to fight, and I\u2019d cry then at night, so that they wouldn\u2019t see me, and I\u2019d ask God to help me fill that emptiness I had in my heart.And then, I went to my mother and she made a ruda<\/em> cup of tea (a natural\u00a0antidepressant) for me. That helped me. The doctor had said that he\u2019d give sedatives, but that I would get used to them at some point, and they wouldn\u2019t help anymore. I decided I\u2019d rather pray to God to help me, because it was terrible, four kids, what was I to do?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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When my husband was alive there was always that help, we both worked. Carlos was a very good father. He was responsible. For instance, when the children were sick, he would make the decisions, we were two people working together. But when I was left alone, I had to figure things out on my own, and if I didn\u2019t have the money, I had to find it.When he was here, he\u2019d do that, so that short time was good for me.Then, it was hard because one way or the other I had to solve any health or school problems. But, after he was gone, it was terrible for me. But I really thank God because He helped me forget him since it has been already twenty years. It\u2019s not the same as it was when it had just happened.<\/p>\n

Later, I was working as a teacher in San Jos\u00e9, and it was terrible there, too. There were people with covered faces arriving, taking people from their homes, killing them at the market and when I went on the bus they would look at you and at pictures they were carrying…It was terrible and many people died, even entire families, kids, parents, and I thought that we were lucky not to have been with my husband, or we would have all been caught. God knows.<\/p>\n

Thank God that I decided that I didn\u2019t want another man, I didn\u2019t want to marry again, I would be with my children and I\u2019d work for them. Because another man might love me, but not my children. So, I said no, no, no. I worked, then I went to the university, I got a scholarship, and studied for three more years to be a teacher, then two more, which means I was very busy. That helped me because before that I was like a broken record, dreaming every night about my husband.<\/p>\n

We lived together only eight years. Carlos was very friendly, everybody said that. He always said, “Good morning, good-bye”. And he also had that desire to help. He said that he\u2019d help whenever he could. And for instance, my daughter\u2019s husband, he sometimes says: \u2018Let\u2019s go have fun\u2019 and he invites us to join him. But I tell him, “No, keep your money because you may need it”. But my daughter says that he\u2019s like that, giving, and that is good, too. And Carlos was like that; he had a big heart, he talked and laughed.That\u2019s how he was, friendly, smiling.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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And I know it\u2019s hard alone with the kids, but they have turned out good, they don\u2019t have bad habits, and I keep telling them that we have to believe in God because that is very important. Because there are families with the mom and dad and the children are into bad habits, so I\u2019m thankful to my mother and everybody because they have supported us, and I\u2019m with my children now. Many people ask me why I didn\u2019t get married again, they said my children would get married and leave, and I\u2019d be alone again. But I think, I don\u2019t want another man because he\u2019s not going to love my children. And I thank God because I was able to survive that difficult time.<\/p>\n

When my oldest son and my daughter finished third grade, they had to go to the capital to study, and I didn\u2019t make enough money. So, I decided to change jobs to get another one that paid a little more.At that time, teachers didn\u2019t earn much.Well, they graduated from high school, but I told them they have to go on to the university.Then, when my son was in his third year studying architecture, I told him that I couldn\u2019t help him anymore because I had to help his brothers, too. So, he looked for a scholarship. I talked to the people at Fundaci\u00f3n para los Estudios y Profesionalizaci\u00f3n Maya<\/em> (FEPMaya) who suggested he send his application. That\u2019s when he started being helped,thanks to all of you. Now, my other two children are just starting at the university and I tell them to follow their brother\u2019s example\u00a0because he would stay in on Saturdays and Sundays studying, he wouldn\u2019t sleep all night. He is very committed, and, thank God, he is almost finished.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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So, I have these two other sons that I\u2019m trying to get through the university because it\u2019s not enough just to have a high school diploma. And I tell my children that, thank God, they graduated because there are many mothers that couldn’t afford to send their kids to school. Even though my salary was not much, I had enough to pay for education and I thank God for everything He has given us because we have gotten ahead, even though we don\u2019t have everything. I have spent most of my money for education, even though we don\u2019t have many clothes, because there are families with a lot of money and clothes and cars, but they don\u2019t have an education. My daughter got married, and I\u2019m happy with the other three.<\/p>\n

And I tell the children that life is short, we should love each other, we are here today, but we may not be tomorrow.That\u2019s how life is, with so many dangers, and I always tell them that we go to church and that respect for God helps us not to do bad things, mainly because we may die tomorrow, and it\u2019s not good to die in sin.<\/p>\n

Well, that all happened, but it was twenty years ago. Yes, it\u2019s sad. But my children are already grown, I have grandchildren, time goes by fast. I can\u2019t forget, but time helps to not feel the same pain.<\/p>\n

Thank you so much, also for knowing you. And now, rest, because it\u2019s late.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Carlos was thirty when he disappeared, I was twenty-eight. I had the four kids, one son was six years old, my daughter was four, the other one was two, and I had just had the baby.When the kids asked me questions I told them we couldn\u2019t go with Dad.When they were very young I told […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-227","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-testimonies"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.levinger.net\/cualguerra\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/227"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.levinger.net\/cualguerra\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.levinger.net\/cualguerra\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.levinger.net\/cualguerra\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.levinger.net\/cualguerra\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=227"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.levinger.net\/cualguerra\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/227\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.levinger.net\/cualguerra\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=227"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.levinger.net\/cualguerra\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=227"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.levinger.net\/cualguerra\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=227"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}